Here’s fantasy. The idea’s been killed.
Here’s the lowdown on the head-over-heels high jinks. It’s not because they don’t have dolts over there, they do (even ones that engage in witchcraft and sorcery) but the Saudis wised-up. They realized the public relations would be WAY better if the criminals killed themselves, as opposed to having the Kingdom send them to kingdom come.
It wasn’t an easy decision.
Anybody could have done the job. They advertised as such. The killers-to-be didn’t need any “specific skills” or an “educational background.” So no “priors” in murder were required. And, advantageously, the Saudi government payroll for these pack-a-punch menial murderers wouldn’t budge up much.
Before we outline why the government dropped the notion like a hot potato, let’s look at the hot potato prescription – penned by the Saudi Ministry of Civil Service - IE: The Ministry of Good Works...in tying up loose ends
Here’s their summary. By the way, isn’t it sweet to know they can’t write to beat (or flog) the band either, much like our western government writers can’t?
“This series includes functions that relate to the implementation of the provisions of retribution death united the thefts machining as required by the legal judgment and do other work related to this area.”
For heaven’s sake, what does this mean? Maybe something got lost in the translation.
It’s odd that the Saudis would think they’d need a whole raft of riff-raff to separate the wheat from the chaff, execution style. It’s not like they kill everybody in sight, out of mind.
This year, for example, only 100 people, as of mid June, have been killed. In 2014 only 88 were. Heck, in Chicago, that many people can be executed in a month – by gangbangers.
Let’s introduce idiocy to this reality-fantasy and kill two birds with one stone!
U.S. Education Secretary, Arne Duncan, says – basically – that all any gang members really need, to fly right, is a job.
So, why not ship these heavy hitters over to the Saudis? They’ll get meaningful work, the government there will get uneducated choppers - everybody wins!
Alas, the Saudis, in reality, will mostly likely nix the importation of American gangbangers: they don’t need Ash-Can-Trash foreign garbage.
Now for you death-penalty abolitionists, the fact that the Saudi’s want to keep killing people, has got to bug you, but we bet that anger towards the theocracy has got to be dissipated with lower gas prices, thanks to Saudi OPEC price setting machinations, allowing you to drive cheaply to that next protest performance. (And it might make you happier still, knowing the Saudi’s are fiddling with the pump to piss off the Iranian government, hardly a likeable, loveable bunch.)
So, no, the execution shows must go on – and until the Saudi’s decide to automate killings in assembly-line style to cut costs and increase corpse production, an interim solution had to be found.
Back to fantasy...
Have the accused (and heck, who knows, maybe even the guilty) whack themselves. Have the deeds done by the miscreants own hands.
The Saudis introduced these measures to speed things along the suicide fast track. They figure after 15 minutes of the following not-so-sweet 16 punishments, the criminals would be begging to end their own lives.
They’ll be FORCED to:
1) Watch the Jerry Springer show for an episode.
2) Tell Vladimir Putin, right to his face, that his face-job renovation, repair, and reconstruction looks as lousy as it truthfully does. Then dare him to do something about it.
3) Parse a kernel of truth from the puffy popcorn of lies that Hilary Clinton regularly cooks up.
4) Memorize the Multiplication Times Tables from 11 through 16.
5) Take an ocean liner cruise captained by Francesco Schettino, the latter being the helmsman of the capsized Costa Concordia.
6) Balance the family budget while working for the minimum wage rate.
7) Balance the company books if forced to pay more than the minimum wage rate.
8a) Watch any TV political debate.
(8b) Watch, afterwards, pundit-talking-heads debating the debate.
9) Watch the Toronto Maple Leafs for a whole game.
10) Keep on top of the contradictory theories on fat loss in the bestseller book section, and later give a cogent synopsis of same.
11) Read, completely, any insurance policy. Explain it, even half-way intelligently.
12) Explain why “Discovery Learning” when teaching math to kids, is not a complete joke.
13) Take a cold shower.
14) Turn 40 and wear those strange bifocal eye glasses.
15) Listen to fey, super-sensitive, smarmy, and witless college kids explain micro aggressions, triggers, and safe spaces.
16) Figure out how to fix the photocopier when it's busted.
Lastly, and this is ghastly (and we are firmly back to reality here) perhaps Saudi searches for home-grown executioners will be fruitless - because it seems that Saudis are lining up, and budding in to line, to be killed - instead of becoming state-sanctioned killers. Apparently they are using their "pull" to become top-of-the-line choices to be suicide killers for ISIL.
You can't make some of this stuff up.