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Executions - Saudi Arabia style

6/26/2015

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The Saudi government is headhunting. They want to hire eight more executioners. That’s reality.

Here’s fantasy. The idea’s been killed.

Here’s the lowdown on the head-over-heels high jinks. It’s not because they don’t have dolts over there, they do (even ones that engage in witchcraft and sorcery) but the Saudis wised-up. They realized the public relations would be WAY better if the criminals killed themselves, as opposed to having the Kingdom send them to kingdom come.  

It wasn’t an easy decision.

Anybody could have done the job. They advertised as such. The killers-to-be didn’t need any “specific skills” or an “educational background.” So no “priors” in murder were required. And, advantageously, the Saudi government payroll for these pack-a-punch menial murderers wouldn’t budge up much.

Before we outline why the government dropped the notion like a hot potato, let’s look at the hot potato prescription – penned by the Saudi Ministry of Civil Service - IE: The Ministry of Good Works...in tying up loose ends

Here’s their summary. By the way, isn’t it sweet to know they can’t write to beat (or flog) the band either, much like our western government writers can’t?

 “This series includes functions that relate to the implementation of the provisions of retribution death united the thefts machining as required by the legal judgment and do other work related to this area.”

For heaven’s sake, what does this mean? Maybe something got lost in the translation.

It’s odd that the Saudis would think they’d need a whole raft of riff-raff to separate the wheat from the chaff, execution style. It’s not like they kill everybody in sight, out of mind.

This year, for example, only 100 people, as of mid June, have been killed. In 2014 only 88 were. Heck, in Chicago, that many people can be executed in a month – by gangbangers.

Hey!

Let’s introduce idiocy to this reality-fantasy and kill two birds with one stone!

U.S. Education Secretary, Arne Duncan, says – basically – that all any gang members really need, to fly right, is a job.

So, why not ship these heavy hitters over to the Saudis? They’ll get meaningful work, the government there will get uneducated choppers - everybody wins!

Alas, the Saudis, in reality, will mostly likely nix the importation of American gangbangers: they don’t need Ash-Can-Trash foreign garbage.

Now for you death-penalty abolitionists, the fact that the Saudi’s want to keep killing people, has got to bug you, but we bet that anger towards the theocracy has got to be dissipated with lower gas prices, thanks to Saudi OPEC price setting machinations, allowing you to drive cheaply to that next protest performance. (And it might make you happier still, knowing the Saudi’s are fiddling with the pump to piss off the Iranian government, hardly a likeable, loveable bunch.)

So, no, the execution shows must go on – and until the Saudi’s decide to automate killings in assembly-line style to cut costs and increase corpse production, an interim solution had to be found.

Back to fantasy...

Have the accused (and heck, who knows, maybe even the guilty) whack themselves. Have the deeds done by the miscreants own hands.

The Saudis introduced these measures to speed things along the suicide fast track. They figure after 15 minutes of the following not-so-sweet 16 punishments, the criminals would be begging to end their own lives.

They’ll be FORCED to:

1
) Watch the Jerry Springer show for an episode.
2) Tell Vladimir Putin, right to his face, that his face-job renovation, repair, and reconstruction looks as lousy as it truthfully does. Then dare him to do something about it.

3) Parse a kernel of truth from the puffy popcorn of lies that Hilary Clinton regularly cooks up.

4) Memorize the Multiplication Times Tables from 11 through 16.

5) Take an ocean liner cruise captained by Francesco Schettino, the latter being the helmsman of the capsized Costa Concordia.

6) Balance the family budget while working for the minimum wage rate.

7) Balance the company books if forced to pay more than the minimum wage rate.

8a) Watch any TV political debate.
(8b) Watch, afterwards, pundit-talking-heads debating the debate.


9) Watch the Toronto Maple Leafs for a whole game.

10) Keep on top of the contradictory theories on fat loss in the bestseller book section, and later give a cogent synopsis of same.

11) Read, completely, any insurance policy. Explain it, even half-way intelligently.

12) Explain why “Discovery Learning” when teaching math to kids, is not a complete joke.

13) Take a cold shower.

14) Turn 40 and wear those strange bifocal eye glasses.

15) Listen to fey, super-sensitive, smarmy, and witless college kids explain micro aggressions, triggers, and safe spaces.

16) Figure out how to fix the photocopier when it's busted.

Lastly, and this is ghastly (and we are firmly back to reality here) perhaps Saudi searches for home-grown executioners will be fruitless - because it seems that Saudis are lining up, and budding in to line, to be killed - instead of becoming state-sanctioned killers. Apparently they are using their "pull" to become top-of-the-line choices to be suicide killers for ISIL.

You can't make some of this stuff up.


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Sepp Blatter quits. Can FIFA Corruption quit?

6/18/2015

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The Oblivious Oligarch, the Gnome from Zurich - Sepp Blatter - is gone. He quit, just days after being reelected for the fifth time as FIFA’s president.

Why the sudden, self-imposed, heave ho? Could it be that he thought he might get arrested if he attended the Women’s World Cup in Canada?

It’s amazing that Sepp was able to rule so long over FIFA, a corrupt cabal of conniving cronies and phonies if there ever was one. Until Sepp quit (and now things might change, for the better, right quick – OR NOT, right slowly) FIFA was audaciously and atrociously arrogant. It had been administered by autocrats who acted outside the rule of laws of most countries, no doubt, and who performed outside the rule of ethics, of decent humans, without a doubt. The articulations in FIFA failings are legion, well researched. Tackled here?  Questions surrounding greed and dishonesty.  

Basically, what possessed these men to cheat, to sell their souls for extra money, a more lavish lifestyle? Did they really need either? They lived in elite luxury, jetting the globe, staying in swank hotels, wining and dining with peers.

They risked all of that for a suitcase or two of cash?

Makes no sense.

Why kill the goose that, by its very nature of international sports relations, lays golden eggs in lifestyle and B-list celebrity?

FIFA white collar crime was - is - of the rankest order. Our sweaty socks smell better than their sleazy dealings. The officials were nothing more than grubby thieves who had lost their way, to such a degree - certainly in accountability - that the 209 federations eligible to vote, as mentioned - reelected Blatter.


What would the awful-offal officials do with the extra, extorted, money? Given that they were already living high off the hog - would they dribble it out to (and this may be a joke, or not) slum around, fly economy class, stay in motels on the outskirts of town, whilst being billed for their room by the hour for harlots un-renowned? In other words, go retro?

Here’s a possible reason they might “need” that extra, extorted money. We’ve all heard financial tycoon jackasses say that money earned, or net worth, is a way of “keeping score.”

Perhaps they wanted to keep score...

But here’s the problem with that maxim as it relates to the FIFA accused. With these guys, given their propensity to launder money and insist of financial inducements for this, or that, yea or nay, vote - they’re all bald-faced liars from the get go. So keeping score is a joke because all of these men would surely lie about their assets anyway.

There must, therefore, be another reason that explains their greed. One would think it can’t be for the exact money-value of transactions, for they probably were all well off, or relatively so, as it relates to their countrymen, even before they swindled in the FIFA

flimflam-shimmy-sham-damn-scam.

So what’s an extra hundred thou, or million here or there, going to mean? Presumably, they’ve been at this for years. Why couldn’t they stop a few years back - having enough money to both BS about - and live on?

Could the reason, therefore, they cheated be due to addiction? Are they all sordid addicts, who can’t stop the ruse, game, affliction, subterfuge?

Lest we think that the boyos have been, heretofore, always engaged in big-time bribes (which would be impressive on some level, at least) it just isn’t so: back in 2011 Mohamed bin Hammam threw a $40,000 bribe of $10,000 each to four persons, in a bid to unseat Blatter, showing that he, at least, was small-town chintzy.  

As a rule, going forward, if the world has to put up with FIFA felonious finagling addicts - let’s mandate that all man dates with FIFA executives occur if the bribe is as big as the all-outdoors. The sign of skullduggery should be: go big or stay home.

No more $40,000 dollar greasing-of-the-palm deals.

No more shall we hear of pittance payoffs, hardly enough to spur salivation. We want big Kahuna kickbacks, nothing less.

When asked to comment, Blatter blathered – and let’s give him a partial pass, for English is not his first language, on how this affected FIFA’s (and by extension, his own) reputation. He completely, but not surprisingly, given his rotten tutelage over the fetid group, missed the point. He should have not worried about FIFA’s reputation and should have begun worrying about meeting his maker - when he’d have to fess up as to why, and how, he made

soccer, football, fùtbol,

call it what you will,

a sport tarnished and associated with tawdry trysts of graft. Sepp stated: "we are not prophets." This was - is - a rhetorical “straw man” argument of the first order. Nobody, anywhere, asked FIFA folks to foresee or foretell, and otherwise be perfect in every way. All that soccer fans (or most of them) wanted were for FIFA persons to be practitioners of ethics and honesty, befitting a non-profit organization.

FIFA’s main actors by their actions, and inactions, were malignant, so much so that seemingly anything FIFA touched immediately became tainted and spoiled. FIFA was sick, not as sick as Brazilian fans were, and are, about the pasting the Germans put on their men’s side in the 2014 World Cup, but sick.

Blatter was either clean or completely unaware of his murky milieu (both highly dubious propositions) or was wise and wily enough to keep his hands above getting dirty, with chargeable crimes. The guy was greasier than the Clintons, and that’s saying something. But now he’s gone into the good night.

Good riddance.

In the dawn of day, perhaps FIFA can be cleaned from stem to stern. Word is, the Russian and Qatar bids are under review by the FBI.

 

 

 

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Is Dr. Oz a Quack?

6/12/2015

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Is Doctor Oz a quack? 10 physicians have had a cow wrestling with this.

They’re accusing. They want Columbia University, where the doctor is the surgery department vice-chairman, to heave Oz, saying he’s a sleaze, peddling stuff not backed by science.

Columbia has a spine, some balls, and said free speech is the issue here. Oz stays. But ball-less Oprah Winfrey has cancelled Oz’s radio show from her network.

Dr. Henry Miller leads the “hang-him-high” posse. He's from Stanford. The doctors' handwritings read loud and clear. Oz has been "promoting quack treatments and cures..." For those of us blissfully unaware, the cardiothoracic surgeon also deals in fat-loss treatments and techniques.

Arthur Caplan, who dealt with medical ethics at New York University, said Dr. Oz was "promoting fairy dust."


And get this: 40% - or nearly so - is the percentage of claims Dr. Oz makes on his show that have zero medical backing. So says a study done by BMJ.

You'd like to think a doctor should be taken at their word, televised or not, and that the Hippocratic Oath is not just an ornament on a doctors' office wall, but you'd be wrong to trust too much. Even Oz, appearing before a U.S. Senate panel dealing with consumer stuff, admitted that some of his products didn't pass scientific muster.

Oz, apparently, views his show job, not as a snow job as his detractors decry, but as a cheerleading job, wherein he discusses many means, matters, and mores of weight loss and fat.  Granted, cheerleading is a noble hobby, but his watchers would probably confess: don't show us your pom-poms, give us the straight goods on weight-loss products.


Adipose accuracy and veracity aside, Dr. Oz is certainly an entertaining duck. His daily show - is watched by two million or so. And iHeartMedia has increased Dr. Oz’s radio exposure...While what he espouses may have less truth than a convict's story, if people do get some benefit from his musing's, how much harm is really being done?

Oz says he's a victim because many unsavory characters illegally use his name when marketing their dud-stuff.

Whoa – victim! Victimology, the perfect study for this century! Everybody’s a “vic” these days. Let’s consult the victims’ hierarchy table, constantly updated, to see if he deserves most of our voiced good will, sympathy, oohs and aahs.


Oops. Aha. Dr Oz is a man. Strike one. He looks white – so strike two. But he's not a White-Anglo-Saxon-Protestant WASP, so hold at strike two. He's a Muslim. His parents were born in Turkey. That's got to count for a lot. He’s like an ethnic. If he were a Christian, and unethnical (as well as unethical) he'd be toast. Stay at strike two..

Dr Oz, however, would rather we stay, back a thousand years ago, to when every village had a healer. Google doesn’t show results for medical care as of thousand years ago. Is Dr. Oz quacking quixotic?  

Ever heard the term: a pig flew by my window? Well, James Randi created the Pigasus award to dishonor hoggish frauds. He's given a Pigasus award to Dr. Oz three times.

Alternative medicine seems to be at play in the Ozian universe. Oz says he believes in it, which is to say, he believes in anything and everything. Alternative medicine is easier to get the hang of than your right baby toe. You don't need any education or a degree of any dedication to espouse its wows, and the medicines one stocks can be tree bark, dried callus skin, face-pimpled-squeezed-juice, or whatever.

Take it from me. As someone who has lost fat four times, four different ways, none of which involved quackery or exotic, alternative medicine means, losing weight (fat) isn’t easy. It takes dietary changes and diligent exercise and dutiful daily-data recording of one’s ship-of-state.

So why, really, would an expert surgeon like our Oz persist in giving false hopes to heavyweights? Is he simply a narcissist who loves to hear his own voice, or is he a messianic madman who actually believes any and all avenues to drop fat should be explored and enunciated upon?  His critics claim he sure has an unscientific way in dealing with folks who'd like to deal with their weight.

Dr. Oz's website is chock full of nuts, or at least chock full of information extolling nuts - of the food - not fruitcake variety. Indeed, with all the articles about weight and fat, with catchy titles, if Oz is a quack, he seems like a caring one. (Of course a wit once said: "if you can fake sincerity, you've got it made.")

While Dr. Oz may be an original thinker with some strange ideas on weight loss, quackery, lest we forget, has been around since “medicine” men were making house calls to chimps in trees, and chumps for fees, moving elixirs, potions, all medical promotions...

And beware. Dr. Oz is no shrinking violet. His reaction to the 10 physician inquisition was dismissive. Go take a powder, captures his tone...

“We will not be silenced” was his response on his show. He played the free speech part strong, and skirted the substance of the arrows shot his way.

Small wonder that weight-loss points or positions Dr. Oz offers create more heat than light, so far as his detractors are concerned.

But with billions being spent on “quick” fixes, and with so much information, misinformation, and completely contradictory information out there, do those busy body doctors - who would slam and wham Dr. Oz - could they perhaps have a severe case of sour grapes? Could they be jealous of Oz’s success and celebrity?

Lately, however, Dr Oz has bended to the whines. His show has just hired Michael Crupain MD., a preventive medicine expert. He’ll make sure the fall running of the show is on the up and up, medically speaking.

Lots of food for thought for us to chew on - as we digest the meal that is the wonderful (and wacky?) world of Oz. 

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Bull Riding Rocks Calgary Stampede 2015

6/5/2015

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Bull Riding is crack cocaine. It’s lethal, a fast high, a crash and burn, a downer. The high, max, lasts eight seconds - torturous for the cowboy – and that eight is deemed a success! For the bull, however, the eight is a blot on its bucking-off record - though, proverbially, it’s a walk in the park, albeit in a...

Big-high air steep jump, gnarly twist, wicked flip-tail whip, punishing stomp performance.

The danger for the cowboy is clear. He’s riding 1,800+ pounds of pure muscle, a bull bred to be as “rank” as can be, a breed to kill cowboys - like Panda Trax tries here...

Bull Riding is the NHL’s playoffs – in ferocity and aggression.

So the Calgary Stampede 2015, the pinnacle of rodeo, at its Wildcard Saturday and Showdown Sunday, will flaunt cowboys so hardened they chew cement and spit out gravel, and will feature bulls so vicious – they’re more malicious than  marital first spouses. And unlike marital first spouses the bull cowboys ride are picked not willingly/drunkenly, but willy-nilly, via random draw.

Bull Riding is great, sometimes for the cowboy, usually for the bulls - but always for the Calgary Stampede fans 

Consider:

While fans feed on treats like the long sausage – just under two feet, or Big Bubba’s Bad BBQ Skillets, or thick, rich, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough on a Stick, we know the bulls will feed on high-protein grain and high quality hay, primed for their one and only, at most, eight second show, daily. (Our cowboys are chewing on that cement we talked about)

Actually, for the cowboy, the Stampede’s bull riding competition is heaven and hell.

Why?

Heaven, because, in lasting into the weekend, the cowboy’s done darn good; and hell, because, in lasting into the weekend, with the Professional Bull Riders tour starting on January 2nd, by the time the last two days for “The Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth” roll around in early July, the cowboy’s stoked - but smoked - mentally and physically - nursing and hiding awful aches and gruesome pains.   

The best bull rider at the 2014 Calgary Stampede, winning $100,000 on a beast-bull branded “Mr. Buddy” was Scott Schiffner. He lives up the road in Strathmore, Alberta - a place by the way, that hosts a Running of the Bulls event in its own rodeo show.

But Bull riding, no matter where it’s held, is a unique sport. Why?

1) Nobody trash talks the foe. Ok, the bull may snort, but doesn’t speak, and the rider won’t trash talk the bull because firstly, he has nothing but respect for this bovine athlete, and secondly because bulls have, literally, thick skins - skins seven times as thick as humans.

2) Non combatants in the sport are huge to the sport. They help determine life or death of one of the combatants. These are the standby, always at the ready, “Bullfighters.” They save cowboy riders from dismemberment and death by distracting the bull, getting right in its face, so it doesn’t gore, hook, or otherwise kick the s--t, out of that tough-as-nails dismounted cowboy writhing in the dirt.

3) Bull Riding’s drama starts even before it starts. Most bull leg injuries come in the chute. For the cowboy, a leg can be mushed, mashed – smashed - by the bull as it squeezes to a side of the chute. (Basically, cowboy injuries are everyday common, but in every way excruciatingly exotic. Knees are shattered, livers are  lacerated, and discs herniated. Concussions, torn ACL's, broken bodies – they’re all here.)

4) Deaths aren't rare. Deaths bury pros and, alas, teens.

5) Bull Riding weirdly reveres its heroes as epitomized by the

“Ring of Honor: Unfinished Business."

It is a PPV event featuring legends coming out of retirement for that one last ride. If a cowboy is 50 years old, and still wants to ride, he’s nuts. Why not just emulate Elvis Presley with a twist, instead of taking the ride-risk of getting twisted on a twisted bull going "down in the well" where the bull spins, with the rider’s body getting sucked into a violent vortex?

Not a place you want to be.

Hopefully (but unlikely) given the ages of the participants, maybe they’ll get lucky, get paired with a "muley" – that is, a bull with no horns.

6) Bull Riding cares more for the animal than man, the bulls more than cowboys. Both are precious athletes but the transporting, feeding, resting, doctoring, and day-to-day care - for wear and tear - for bulls is administered strictly and carefully - for the cowboys, loosely, if casually. If a bull, unbeknownst to itself, needs acupuncture, or chiro, he gets it. If a cowboy, unbeknownst to himself, doesn’t know he should wear a helmet, the non-rules let him get away with it...

But, in one way, Bull Riding is bureaucratically and blindly like other sports.

A) It has stupid stipulations and kooky criterion. For example, many think that cowboy-riding percentages should be considered, along with high scoring rides, as to how cowboys are ranked. (The current system rewards the latter, not the former.) Therefore, Silvano Alves, who has in 2015, a percentage-ride rank of 66.07 – a top-flight mark, thanks to his eight second rides - is not a top cowboy, not having enough high-score rides. He’s ranked seventh!

(Alves is Brazilian and that country, known for soccer and samba, absolutely rocks in this sport - holding five of the top ten spots in Professional Bull Riders (PBR) rankings.)

But, ultimately, those that admire or abhor the uniqueness or ugliness of this sport can’t get away from facts. Cowboys know, feel, and live - the dangers intrinsically inherent in this colossal-collision contest. They must love what they do.

Right, or wrong, no BS there.

 





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