You see them everywhere, cycling to and from work, miles each way. It’s a mission for them. Financially it’s not necessary they do this because bike equipment is costlier than divorce, but something impels these folks to bicycle through sleet, snow, and yes, some sun, festooned in lights strong enough to start their own laser-show troupe group.
Here’s a scoop: no cyclist likes to be passed by another cyclist. Ever. It’s irrational because as cyclists readily admit, each rider rides differently weighted and geared bikes, and cyclists range from the shape of donuts - soft as whipped cream, to the shape of string beans - hard as nails.
But once a cyclist gets into the car (when hell freezes over, or the bike is in the shop after being pranged by a car) a transformation more powerful than religious conversion occurs: a car-driver mentality immediately takes over and all cyclists are instantaneously deemed as vermin to be road killed.
And by any stretch of the imagination, the stretched bicycle shorts are not a good look. (And at around $100 they might not be a good buy.) If we wanted to see your particulars, your units, your junk – we would have joined airport security. Keep the aerobic pornographic bib shorts where they belong: in an old dusty dresser in an older musty attic. If you must share, picture the panties on your YouTube channel or Facebook page.
On the subject of aerobics, how healthy is cycling, breathing in all that car and truck exhaust, not to mention the fumes from your clothing if laundering regularly isn’t your bag? Would it be better to not subject your lungs and heart to pollutants?
Do cyclists get cycling “highs” like runners do from running? If heart rate is a factor in determining such a “high” they may not because runners, generally, for the same amount of strenuous work, have a heart rate tick-tocking about five percent higher than does our diligent cyclist. The answers aren't clear as to why this is so – but it may be due to the fact that being on a bike is easier on the heart, but harder on the backside, than is being on one’s own two feet.
And this study by Appalachian State University should give cyclists, if not a high, a least a buzz. It found that cycling doesn't damage muscles like running does. Take that, you marathoner mooks.
The other morning at 5am I was blinded by the white super-bright light coming at me. I had never seen such a sight before and only when it got to within about 20 feet from me could I see a cyclist behind the light. God it was powerful. I wonder what lighthouse is missing their bulb? And what does such a luminance – disturbance – Light Emitting Diode (LED) cost? And do heirs get the lights - and bikes, the shoes, the helmets, the whole ensemble when Dad or Mom is recycled six feet under?
Are cyclists cultish like bike couriers are? Nobody can possibly be as weird as couriers but commuting cyclists do have forums to share information on locks, night riding, colds, road-friendly gearing, steering, leering, smart-wool socks, hard-crash rocks....
Do cyclist commuters have groupies like rock stars? Like when a vocalist and lead guitarist strut sweating off stage - they get to pick the princess or prince of the litter for cavorting and canoodling. Does such an eager ensemble await our bicycler? And no, having someone at home, like a loved one, waiting for you to disembark and disrobe, doesn't count. We’re talking of a throng of lovely lasses or lively lads waiting behind the rope, panting, as you wheel in to your bike-locking station, panting.
Now how about political correctness? Has it permeated the world of pedal bikers? When a cyclist cuts us off are we allowed to catch up and whip them with our spare chain worn as decoration or make them into pavement as we beat the tar out of them, or are we so cowed by PC behavioral diktats - and timidity - that we, instead, insist that such a thoughtless barging in action have the offender "punished" with a five minute “timeout?”
Turning to cycling’s version of domestic violence/disturbance...what NFL player Ray Rice did on the elevator to his wife was despicable. How domestiques like Floyd Landis were treated by Lance Armstrong, when Floyd wanted to come back to the U.S. Postal Team after he had lost his Tour de France laurels after testing positive for testosterone – and Lance told Floyd to take a hike, was merely unconscionable. But it’s odd that Janay Rice still stands by her man, while Floyd can’t stand his.
How’d we get to here?
Cyclists argue they’re good for the environment. True, they don’t belch like transports, but they might have flatulence. (And they kill pedestrians like Jill Tarlov.) Wind farms are supposedly good for the environment too, but they’re hellish for birds. And cyclists, lest we forget, kill the view – although it does please one safely ensconced in a bucket-leather seat in a low riding cool-cat car to see some cyclist struggling up a hill.
Cyclists are overbearing as they prate on about saving the planet with their eco-friendly exertions. They grate on the nerves. But when they hit a sewer grate it fills the hearts of us meanies with happiness, but some sadness later, when it is discovered the bruised bicycle rider wasn't a lawyer - but lawyers are a blog for another day.